So Your Girlfriend Told You that You’ll turn into Stone if you Look Directly at Her Vagina? I can Help.

If you’re like me, all you want to do is take a good look at your girlfriend’s vagina without some of the terrible consequences. With a flashlight or flood lamp. Because you’re not really sure if she’s got a vagina or Pat Morita between her legs. Let’s face it guys, the vagina is an enigma to us all. Sure, we can consult our old biology textbooks for diagrams and terminology, but as Marvin Gaye and Tammy Terrell once sang, “Ain’t Nothing Like the Real Thing.”

But, there’s a problem. She says if you look at it directly, you’ll turn into stone. The age-old “Medusa Effect.”  So, here’s a list of five ways you can look directly at her womb without turning into the Michelangelo’s David:

1. The Pinhole Projection Method
• Similar to how one might view a solar eclipse, take a cardboard box and poke a small hole on top and a large hole on the side for viewing. Make sure the vagina is well lit and peer through the side hole. You’ll see a stone-proof, inverted vagina staring you right back in the face.

2. Kaleidoscope
• Commonly referred to as the Labia-scope, this collection of mirrors allows you to not only distort the reflective qualities of the vagina, but also see it in a fabulous rainbow of colors.

3. Artist’s Rendering
• Photographers aren’t allowed in court rooms, so the media turns to courtroom sketch artists to help depict the action. If you search Craig’s List, you can find freelance artists who are also classically trained in genital sketches. Don’t be afraid to seek out a caricaturist if you’d like your picture to exaggerate the imperfections in your girlfriend’s labia majora.

4. Rubbing
• Remember Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?  Go to your local art supply store and buy some rubbing paper. Lay it on your companion’s private area and proceed to run a crayon lengthwise up and down the paper. You’ll have an accurate, to scale, image of her vagina in no time.

5. Plaster Mold
• Quick drying, not stick plaster. Add a little water color and you’ve got a vagina you can take with you on long trips.

To summarize, you don’t have to turn into stone like so many men before you. There are safe, proven methods for looking at your girlfriend’s vagina and you no longer have to live in fear. Curiosity killed the cat, but neither will turn you into stone ever again.