This Earth Day I Intend to Recycle a Whole Boatload of Crotch

April 22, 2009, marked the 39th official Earth Day, when we attempted to turn down the volume on our Aquanet hairspray, rev the Hummer engine a few less times and generally inspire awareness as to how we can save this beautiful earth of ours. Many people choose to reduce, reuse and recycle as much junk as they can find to help lighten their carbon footprint. I personally will do my part this Earth Day by recycling as much crotch as humanly possible over the course of the next several months.

Earth Day in the Northern Hemisphere occurs during the Spring, which helps me in my plan to recycle as much reusable junk as I can and wear far less clothing in the process. I’ll run into more fellas hanging out at McGee’s, and I’ll be spending way more time in beer gardens throwing around the cat at the usual suspects. Now, I’m sure that I’ll have to find some new junk now and again, but I’m completely confident that I’ll be able to reduce my carbon vagprint by running into some of the oldies but goodies that frequent my normal trolling grounds.

Recycling crotch is a fantastic way to revisit guys who know your idiosyncrasies already, such as the fact that you may or may not have photographed yourself semi-naked about to chug some cock on the soccer field during the time that you may or may not have seriously dated one of the midfielders until you may or may not have accidentally maybe slept with a couple of the fullbacks because they may or may not have had better calves and then you may or may not have decided that soccer is lame anyway and then slept with a couple of pitchers from the baseball team. Maybe. And it’s nice to revisit these old flames that know your old tricks so that you don’t have to go over yet again with your ex-midfielder BF what may or may not have happened that night after the Belmont-Sheffield Music Fest when you all snuck in Vitamin Vodka, and so what, at least you mostly kept it in the soccer team so that if you may or may not have gotten pregnant, at least it would still have had good soccer genes. (And for the record Greg from the BS MusicFest, I may or may not be willing to sleep with you again, although I’m still at least 79% sure that you were the one that stole both my bra and my clever “Don’t be a party to underage drinking” shirt, but you do have very nice calves, so it’s a bit of a wash.)

Also, and this doesn’t really matter to me because I’m a liberated college co-ed comfortable with her sexuality and her constant appetite for dickstruction, but recycling is a great way for the more prudish gals to keep their numbers low. For example, instead of sleeping with 53 new men in a month, you can easily cut that down to 27 that month if you reuse half of the fellas from In Like a Lamb out Like a Lion March. Also, creating a recycling initiative for yourself can really be more fun for all parties involved. I mean, when you update your Facebook status with a simple “Who’s In?” you never know what the answer could end up being in a few hours. And plus, they’re already friends with you on Facebook so you can easily find out who they’re in a relationship with to let her know that he’s cheating. Everybody wins!

So, this Earth Day, I urge you all to recycle as much crotch as you possibly can. Send out a mass text or an FBS like a rabbit shot, and you’re bound to hit something eventually; it’s like playing just the tipping point. Because it’s important for each and every one of us to reduce, reuse and recycle so that we can be sure to lessen our carbon vagprint. This Earth Day, I say, fuck the past right into the future.