I’m Still Spending I-Banking Money from ‘98

I know you know me for my management consulting skillz, but I got news for you, I ain’t spent a dime of this consulting money. No, I’m still spending my I-banking money from ’98. Best consultant alive, I know, but I learned my hustle in the street: Wall Street. The I-banking life is tough. I know ‘cause I lived it while you just wrote about it, pussy. I’ve been there bull and bear. I been chased by the police and shot at three times: two in the chest and one in the arm. I started at the bottom, watching the street corner in case the SEC rolled down the block.

The D.A. harassed and tried to box me in the Kit-Kat – the minimum security prison that is, just ‘cause I got a connection. Yeah, I got a connection, hooked me up with the good stuff before anybody else got it. I got tips, you know what I’m saying, and made ‘em pay dividends. That’s just how you hustle. When you’re being kept down by the white collar man, you do what you gotta do to get by. I ain’t proud of all the shit I did, but an I-banker’s gotta survive. Would you steal bread to feed a hungry kid?  I short-sold Wonder Bread stock to feed a starving me. And shit, I didn’t have to try to sell these stocks, these things sold themselves. I ain’t never pushed a stock on someone who didn’t want it. You know what I mean; I just gave the people what they wanted. They got themselves hooked. They would’ve just gone to some other guy to sell and trade various securities.

I know you look at me rollin’ in import cars to Rush and Division bars, hanging out with stars and think that I got it good as a management consultant, but I earned it. I lived it rough, in the projects, the diversified international investment strategy projects. And that C-class didn’t get bought with no consulting money. I still got stacks of cheddar from being an I-banker. You can take the hustler out of Wall Street, but you can’t take the Wall Street out of the hustler.

And shit, I can’t escape them Wall Street days. They's some folks out there still trying to take me out. Just ‘cause you make it out doesn’t mean those days won’t haunt you, but I’m at the top the consulting game now and I don’t plan to go back. I sip Dom Rosé now. I sit on rooftop decks and look down at everyone trying to get to where I am. But you know what?  I’ll be spending this I-banking money long after all you fake-ass wannabe management consultants are dead and gone. Best consultant alive!