How to Modify Seven Dirty Words You Can’t Say on TV or Radio to Make Them Alright for Even Children to Say… on TV or Radio
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• Shit
• Piss
• Fuck
• Cunt
• Cocksucker
• Motherfucker
• Tits
Those are the seven words the great George Carlin immortalized in the seventies for their status as being words that could not be muttered on television or radio - appropriately titled “Seven Words You Can’t Say on Television.” A truly genius bit of comedy, but there’s only one problem with it now; you can say these seven words on TV now.
I also think it’s worth pointing out that Spellcheck did not give a single of the seven words a nasty red underline… but did actually give one to itself. Go ahead. Open a word document and see for yourself. And while you’re at it, try a few racial slurs too. Do it. No one will know but you. After all, Bill Gates obviously doesn’t mind or else he would have fixed it. So unless you’re saying you’re better than Bill Gates, which even your mom knows isn’t true, you should just try it. So stop wasting time and go check. I’ll wait here.
We good?
Ok, great. Now to pick this up again:
You can cover shit, piss, cocksucker and tits in just about any episode of Dennis Leary’s “Rescue Me,” and if we just make the small hop over to Comedy Central on a Friday or Saturday night, you can catch a slew of uncensored movies. “South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut” makes an appearance about every other month. Those will easily cover your fuck, cunt, and motherfucker to round out the list.
So we have to take it to the next level and figure out how we can make these words OK for children to say. Because, and let’s be honest, the vocabulary at your local elementary school could always stand to be a little more colorful.
Fixing shit is easy enough. You just take a little ex-lax and problem solved. As for little kids and shit - I propose shant. I think it still flows well, “I almost shant myself when I found out how short recess was going to be this year.”
Piss is easier than shit. That’s why piss is number one and shit is number two. Kids actually already have their substitution, and that’s pee. Everybody pees.
Fuck was a little bit trickier. And I’m sure any “Battlestar Galactica” fans are calling me a fraking idiot for thinking so, but I digress. I think the kiddies would be perfectly comfortable using friz in place of our nasty four-letter friend.
According to the Broadcasting Standards Commission, Independent Television, and the Advertising Standards Authority, cunt is regarded as the most offensive word that could be overheard. They find cunt to be more offensive than fuck and motherfucker! Can you believe it? So that’s why cunt deserves some special treatment – a substitution that really says, “Hey you, respect me!” Which is why I’ve decided on Old Glory.
Cocksucker was perhaps the breeziest of breezes to come up with a substitution for, because what kid wouldn’t want to be a lollilover?
Motherfucker also wasn’t too challenging. A simple consonant jumbling, and the next thing you know, kids everywhere will be shouting feathermucker!
And finally, tits. The possible substitutions for tits bounced long and hard in my mind. Jiggling to the left and to the right, and they hardened slightly when I started to get cold. But after long concentration on tits, I’ve decided that the word is perfect just the way it is, and would be a proud parent of a child who can recognize the pure awesome of tits.
So there we have it; there’s my list. Not perfect, perhaps, but I do fully believe in each of my recommendations listed here. With a little luck, copies will be distributed to children everywhere.
Seven Words That are Alright for Children to Say Anywhere:
• Shant
• Pee
• Friz
• Old Glory
• Lollilover
• Feathermucker
• Tits
