Your Dog’s Named ‘Wrigley?’ What a coincidence…Mine’s Named ‘Stayfree Maxi Pad with Wings’
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Are you happy with your life? You shouldn’t be. I’ve been where you are now. You’re living on the North Side in your two bedroom apartment with all utilities included except for cable because you wouldn’t give your landlord a Z-job. Then you decide one day to get a dog. They’re so cute and loving and they won’t leave you by the side of the road after you accidentally kill a hobo. So you go to the shelter and narrow your pick down to the Pug, or maybe that Black Lab, possibly the Golden Retriever. Oh the decisions to make! You decide on the Black Lab since you’ve seen a dozen or so lately and you dig their look. But then you make the decision that has caused over 30 school aged kids to be murdered in Chicago this year…you name your dog ‘Wrigley.’
“OMG! Your dog is named Wrigley?!?! So is mine!” says the dozen or so people you will pass on a given day walking the exact same dog as yours. Some will branch out to names like “Addison” or “Cubbie,” and they are truly the mavericks of the North Side dog owners. I did meet a dog named ‘Cuby’ once which I thought was pretty funny and different. Then I learned that the owners weren’t trying to be original in their spelling of “Cubbie,” they were just retarded.
I went a different direction with naming my dog. “Stayfree Maxi Pad with Wings the Dog” is his name. Sure it’s a little different and the other dogs laugh at him when we go to the dog park, but I have integrity, God damnit! If I am going to treat a member of my family like a glorified product placement then I choose a product that serves the greater good.
Let’s be honest for a second. The real reason you got a dog was to get laid, plain and simple. Who in their right mind would willingly walk outside in the dead of a Chicago winter at 6am to pick up some fresh dog shit? I’ll tell you who. Only someone with the foresight to see that once the sun comes out, that dog is gonna get you some genital-on-genital contact. OK, so maybe the murdering of children on Chicago’s South Side isn’t directly related to your lack of creativity. But I guarantee you that the news of the world won’t matter to you when your busy bumping uglies. The only way for that to happen though is to give your dog a better name. Off the top of my head I can think of better names … Ipod … Thumb Tac … Roger Rabbit … Hot Richard ... Nipple Slip … GPS … Rubix Cube … Lesbian …
All of those are better options that Cubbie, or Addison, or D Lee.
