Things that I’ve Learned that You Can’t Do at the Office
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This is the first part of a multi-part series that I’m calling “Shut the Fuck Up and Listen to Me.” I was told that title is in violation of a copyright law since it’s a working title for an upcoming Tom Hanks movie. So I have re-titled the series “Shut the Fuck up and Listen to me Despite what Tom Hanks and my Mom say.” The first entry is about things that I have learned while being a contributing member of society and working a normal 9-5 like a jackoff. Despite what my moms says that does make me an expert on all things office related. Here are a few hard lessons that I have learned about what society has deemed “inappropriate” for the work place … Nut Sack ...
1) Masturbation in the Workplace. Trust me, I’ve tried it everywhere and there just isn’t an appropriate place to rub one out at the office. I’ll try the parking lot next week and will let you now how that works out.
2) Tip your boss. I’m not sure if she’s mad because I tipped her or if it’s because I tipped her in singles and shoved them down her throat.
3) Hot box your office. Once you stop laughing at the newest Youtube fad you’ll realize that the police have been called and you’ve actually been living in a halfway house for three months.
4) Send your smart Asian neighbor to fill out paperwork for you. That worked for the SAT’s, your standardized tests from grade 1-12, and your personality exam, but Xian moved back to Korea and wont be able to help you anymore. Face it, you’re fucked.
5) Don’t poke holes in the donuts with your penis. I can’t say where I did this, but it rhymes with Blumpkin BlowNuts.
6) Photoshop yourself having sexual relations with co-workers. You think that they’d be flattered but apparently involving them in 3 ways with you and Don Knotts rubs people the wrong way.
7) Poop on a co-worker’s desk for any reason. Fuck that, that bitch had it coming and I’d do it again.
8) Hallucinating from Magic mushrooms is no reason to call in sick…or is it? I’ll ask my chapstick once it’s done humping that chipmunk.
9) Calling I.N.S. is not the solution to every problem, but it certainly can be fun.
10) Eventually your female coworkers are going to realize that your not gay and gay people don’t grab each others genitals instead of shaking hands.
11) When you’re up for a promotion, try hiding drugs in your competitions bag instead of a dead immigrant.
12) “Whoever has the best tits gets the promotion” only works once, so use it wisely.
13) Kidnapping the children of that whore who stole the letter ‘m’ from your keyboard is appropriate as long as you return them alive and un-raped within three days.
14) Stop using Conan O’Brien’s jokes form the night before. You’re not the only person who watches.
15) There is no such thing as a ‘Pants-off-Dance-off’ at work.
16) Interns are not to be castrated more than once.
17) Rod Blago is neither man, nor machine … either way stay away from him because he likes to pee in the water cooler.
18) The Red Scare is still active in Illinois so feel free to name names.
19) Being a Youtube sensation does doesn’t mean you can steal everyone’s wallets.
20) “One out of every 10 cupcakes contains the antidote, the other nine will give you AIDS” may have something to do with declining cupcake sales.
21) “Superman that ho” is not about the girl you share a cubicle with and she’d appreciate it if you’d stop skeeting on the back of her chair.
