So, uh, Does Kerry Wood Ever Talk about Me or Anything?

Oh hey, Cleveland Indians! So funny to run into you here at Hohokam Park. Funny name, Ho-ho-kam? What’s that about, right? Sounds…Asian-y...Soo, speaking of Cactus Leagues, this is sort of a prickly situation here, huh? You, and me, just sort of hanging out, together. To think, Kerry used to be in my organization, but now he’s in your lineup, what, like every other night? Hahah. Awwwkkkward! But, um, I was wondering, does Kerry Wood ever, you know, just sort of mention me?

… Not that I miss him at all, it’s all cool. I mean, we split on good terms. I mean, except for that whole never-around-cuz-he’s-always-injured thing, we were pretty solid. It was obvious that after our 11 years together it was just time for us to go separate ways. Or at least that’s what he thought, because apparently he can just take off one shade of blue and put on another, and it’s like nothing at all, no emotional ties there, nope, and that’s fine, I’m totally cool, and all. But does he ever mention me? Like ever? Cuz he won’t return any of my texts.

Not that it matters, I mean, there’s like a ton of guys interested in me. Like seriously, a TON. I’ve got this one guy, Jeff Samardzija, who’s like super tall and used to play football at Notre Dame. You should totally see him; he and DeRosa used to throw the football around before games now and again, you know, before you stole DeRosa away, too. But anyway, Jeff’s young, but he’ll be a great closer someday. My friends keep telling me, “Don’t try to change guys” but I really think we can turn him from a middle relief man to a closer someday, and maybe even better than Kerry. And you know Ted, he made me this awesome mix tape with a bunch of songs that definitely don’t remind me of Kerry, like a lot of Enya and Coldplay. And Kevin Gregg looks really, really good in that closer position and loves getting backrubs …

... I saw that you guys were getting along really well. He was talking on the MLB Network’s 30 Clubs in 30 Days about how he loves joking around with you, how you really make him laugh. I guess he forgot about the time that he and I put crabs in Soriano’s jockstrap, now that was funny…

But you guys seem pretty happy ... I see that his bill on his cap is folded just how he likes it with an extra deep crease in the middle. I used to do that for him with every new hat; he’d always say, “My fingers are just too fat!” and then we’d laugh about his fastball and how his fat fingers have helped him with his curveball and think about the days that people in the Budweiser castle on Waveland would just have a whole string of Ks hanging there after his outing and how we’d just sort of lay there after the game, looking at those 20Ks, smiling about our time together, just you know, giddy ... Eleven years of that, and really, he hasn’t even mentioned me once? Maybe he has a code for me, like “Ole CC” or something, and you think he’s talking about Sabathia?... No? Really? Hmm…

Cuz I’ve been following you both on Twitter, and your Tweets make it seem like you’re having a really good time, especially since you’re like always retweeting and @replying each other and stuff, but maybe some of the little things are missing? Like, did he tell you how he likes his onion bagels? Toasted for four minutes and 32 seconds and then smothered in JIF Extra Creamy Peanut Butter with just a little bit of honey? Oh, he did ... Umm, well maybe sometime I could show you how he likes his Under Armor folded—oh, he likes it better how your equipment manager does it? Geez, it seems like you guys are really you know, getting along. And I mean, I know that your place is newer, but he always seemed to really like my place; said that Wrigley had great charm, glad that we didn’t get into that “gut rehab” phase…

So you guys are like, already “In a Relationship” on Facebook, huh? You’ve been together, what, like five months? We were together nine years before he would go “In a Relationship” with me, and even then, he clicked “Private” so that it wasn’t published onto Mark Buehrle’s Newsfeed. But that’s cool, we were younger then, and I guess he didn’t really know what he wanted ... and he also didn’t have a Facebook account. I saw that you un-tagged the photos with me in them. Kind of weird and surreal, but I guess I get it, you know, time to move on. New league, new “View Photos of Kerry.” Totes cool.

It’s just, I don’t know, weird that he didn’t bring me up at all. We went through a lot of rough times together, like that time that he got wasted on Franzia and fell out of his hot tub but we still stuck it out. Did he mention that? You probably shouldn’t let him hang out in hot tubs, unless you want another sore back, haha. Oh, you got him a special hot tub and a handler for when he’s drunk? Oh, well, cool, def good planning …

Oh you’ve gotta go? You guys are heading out for pizza? Not as good as the Chicago deep dish, I’m guessing, haha … On a diet? He says he wants to be healthier and lose weight for you? Wow, I mean, yeah, that’s great; he definitely didn’t really care about that when we were together, but seriously, good for you guys … Ummmm, maybe you and I can hang out sometime? Well, I mean not just that one series in June, but maybe we can all hang out. You and Kerry, me and the Greggster, just a couple kids out for a good time. Why would that be weird? We can all watch Glengarry Glen Ross and make jokes about how coffee is for closers … haha. Um, well is it cool if I Facebook friend you? No, I haven’t even talked about him all Spring Training until like, seriously, right now. Seriously, I’m totally, totally over it. What? No, I’m just, you know, leaving his locker empty just in case he ever comes back. No, gross! It’s not a shrine! That’s just, stupid, no, God, no! Haha, I can’t believe, gosh, I can’t believe you would even think that! You are too much! But you know, if he ever mentions me, just like even for a second, totally just tell him that I’ve been thinking about him. Or wait, wait, no. Tell him that his name came up when Marmol and Gregg were talking about growing out goatees. No no, wait, say that we were talking about the upcoming Race to Wrigley 5K and made a joke about how ole 20K Kerry was more of a 5K these days. No, wait, that’ll hurt his feelings. Just let him know, you know, that I miss him. And that he’s always got a place waiting for him with me, in my lineup.