It is our Duty as Americans to Educate the Ignorant Dutch: Our Business Trip to Holland

The airplane ride from Detroit to Chicago to Amsterdam was quite normal and was consistent with our expectations. The people we met all spoke English and could understand us, so we clearly approved. Things were nice, and the business trip was running rather smoothly.

When we exited the airplane in Amsterdam we were confident things would continue in a similarly smooth manner. The first indication that the situation wasn’t quite right was when we overheard two people talking. Their speech was mumbled and made no sense whatsoever. It was almost as they couldn’t even understand us when we approached them, due to their stupidity. Bob recalled his niece’s speech impediment and the recommendation that she immediately attend a class before the mumbles became an issue. It was quite apparent that Holland did not encourage proper speech, so we took it upon ourselves to recommend that both individuals attend the speech class at their earliest convenience. Despite our best intentions, both individuals became rather obnoxious, so we chose to encourage them by physical means, as clearly our words were lost. Soon a policeman arrived and warned us that we would soon be escorted from the airport if we did not desist. Obviously the policeman was educated as his speech was not slurred. We decided to let the cop resolve the problem of the atrocious speech issue, and we continued on to pick up our rental car.

With our luggage loaded and the map of Holland in our hands, we headed toward our final destination: Eindhoven. En route we noticed another oddity about Holland, as the people had no respect for the 55 mile-per-hour speed limit as imposed by our government. We drove along at the acceptable 65 mph, and people were still passing us. At first we accepted this and assumed their police department would interject its authority and stop this ludicrous behavior. After a car passed us at approximately 130 mph, we decided to take matters into our own hands. When the following vehicle attempted to pass, I immediately swerved in front of him and forced him into the guard rail. I looked into my rearview mirror and saw at least 40 to 50 cars and trucks in one large pile. Success. It was now clear to the people of Holland that the high rate of speed was unsafe. Miraculously, the volume of traffic dropped instantly and the people stopped passing us altogether. We were quite pleased to see that the people of Holland were capable of learning safe driving habits and happily proceeded to the Holiday Inn.

The first day of class was quite informative. We were advised to constantly look for more efficient ways to perform simple tasks and to remember that the result was more important than the individual steps. Being representatives of the newest plant in the Stroyer NV organization, we felt it was our responsibility to put our best foot forward and demonstrate our ability to adhere to these guidelines.

Our first opportunity came at lunch. The instructor directed us to a large room where we were introduced to the president of Stroyer NV. The intent was to allow everyone to get acquainted so that we could work together better in class.

After everyone was seated, we were served an appetizer: “soup.” It was served in a small bowl with a handle on each side. The “soup” appeared to be colored water with parsley floating in it. As everyone else started eating, Bob and I immediately recognized this as a test; the parsley represented particles in the production process. We quickly removed the particles by using our forks as filters. With the particles out of the way we concentrated on the main goal of eating the “soup.” Since the cup was furnished with handles, we picked up the bowls and drank them like cups of coffee. We bypassed the entirely all-too-inefficient use of a spoon. We could tell the people were quite impressed as they kept pointing at us and mumbling amongst themselves.

When the main entrée arrived, everybody started eating with their fork in their left hand and knife in their right. Again, Bob and I recognized this was not consistent with our instructions to find more efficient ways to perform simple tasks. Bob started shoveling his food into his mouth with his soup spoon and almost immediately was ahead of the other students. I on the other hand realized that Bob’s method was not as efficient as it could be. I found that by positioning my mouth at the same level as the plate, I could scrape all of the food off the plate and directly into my mouth. I handily beat everyone at the table; several people nearby even gave up by tossing their napkins over their food. I felt this was similar to a fighter throwing in the towel after being obviously defeated. Bob and I were quite pleased with our performance and stood up and gave a speech. We explained how much faster we could eat and how we could save labor by not dirtying the knife or fork when we ate. We were huge successes. Several students, and even the president of Stroyer NV, realized we were talking over their hands and left the table mid-speech, not wanting to be depressed by our superior intelligence.

Later that afternoon we were informed that we would not have to attend any more classes. In fact, they told us that they would actually prefer that we stay in our rooms at the Holiday Inn until it was time for us to return to Ottawa, Ohio. We were ecstatic! Never had we expected such great appreciation for our techniques that they would give us two weeks off to bask in our superiority.

We feel we have made a lasting impression that may become synonymous with the Ohio Stroyer plant.