Embrace the Non-American Culture?
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Well, after a many month sabbatical from my worldly travels, I am happy to report that I have just returned from a wonderful excursion to the great resort city of Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic. This was to be a completely work free trip, just to sit back and relax with my wife, and to get away from Bob, but as with most plans, things don’t always go as planned.
My wife and I were seated side by side on the airplane, a cool drink in hand, head phones on so as to not be disturbed, we both could have easily drifted off to a sleep while the plane taxied down the runway. This was a truly a restful moment where we both were free from our work and were getting as far away from our day to day routines as possible. No sooner than we were air born, the fasten seat belts sign off, than I was rudely awakened with two hands vigorously clasped off my eyes with a resounding “guess who”? What? Bob? Is that you? What are you doing on this plane? Oh, you thought it would be nice to surprise us by joining us on our romantic getaway? Well, yes, you certainly did surprise us. Well, yes that was creative the way you convinced the travel agent we were traveling together. Oh, and we’re staying at the same resort? Well, yes, that was creative on your part.
The first day at the resort we were once again reminded of the inconsideration of the people from Europe. Here we were in a country very close to the United States and there were tourists here that did not have the courtesy to learn English prior to their travels. It is just amazing the way some people cannot put forth a little effort to learn more about a country prior to traveling to it. Surely these people would have had the common sense to know that there would be English speaking people vacationing here and they should have made a better effort to prepare for potential conversations with the other guests. We looked at this inconsideration on their part as our opportunity to show tolerance of others as we were told to do in Church, so we did the honorable thing and overlooked their lack of social skills.
The weather was absolutely gorgeous. A clear blue sky, warm temperature and beautiful pool with crystal clear water and a swim up bar surrounded by palm trees and sand. This was the vacation we had been looking forward to. We had quickly selected a set of lounge chairs under a large umbrella and were making our way to our site when Bob noticed a young girl about six years old that was not wearing the top to her swimsuit. Having a spare towel, Bob quickly covered her up and tried to explain to her that this was not acceptable behavior for a girl of her age. Needless to say, this was one of those people that did not bother to learn English, and Bobs’ words were met with a blank stare. Then the young girl’s mother showed up and proceeded with a rapid exclamation of unintelligible gibberish that no sane person could have comprehended. In Bob’s case though, I suspect he didn’t hear a word because she also was not wearing a top, and her words were met with a blank stare as well. This went on for a few minutes until the mother simply slapped Bob aside the head and quickly escorted her daughter away. Bob, maintained his ground (and pose) quite well and after about an hour joined us at the umbrella – much to our liking, still speechless.
The second day again found us under our favorite umbrella with tall cool drinks in hand. Bob was with us again and through the night regained the power of speech. This soon became another source of embarrassment as Bob tried to converse with one of the other guests. It was a simple enough question - “How’s the water? The response - Nippley! What? Nippley? What the hell is that? It sounds like English, but it’s not a real word! You must mean nippy, as in cold, right? No! Nippley, as in cold – check out the girl in the black bikini – see nippley! Oh, yes, I guess the water is nippley. Bob once again reverted to his speechless self and spent the rest of the day looking at nippley girls and their cute thermometers, as he called them.
Later in the week, Bob was up to his new found past time and noticed a very attractive girl that was exceptionally endowed. The man who introduced Bob to the “nippley” phrase caught Bob staring and told Bob “not real – those are fake, you know, enhanced”. Fake? Enhanced? Bob remembered years ago when Bob Hope introduced the world to the two newest stars in Hollywood – Jane Russell with her Lift and separate, Cross your heart, Push up bra. He also remembered his high school days where enhanced meant tube socks or toilet paper strategically located to accentuate that girlish figure. Neither of these seemed to fit this situation. These were definitely showing signs of nippley, a characteristic that simply was not possible with a double reinforced bra, tube socks or toilet paper. The young gentleman tried to clarify by saying “surgically enhanced”! Bob could only say “Wow! Worth every penny in my book”.
Needless to say, after several days of staring at girls, Bob was able to stare and carry on conversations to some extent. Unfortunately for Bob, this new found confidence was also his downfall. With only two days of vacation remaining, the resort was making a strong last ditch effort to get us to spend more of our money. Numerous photo moments were being paraded around the pool – a young man with a monkey that would sit on your shoulder, a pair of cockatiels that would sit on your arm, a man and woman in authentic native garb that would pose with you for that special photo. Bob had no intention of parting with any of his money, but he couldn’t help himself and leaned forward mockingly proclaiming “I want to see what’s under that authentic native outfit” and quickly pulled the grass skirt aside. Much to Bobs’ surprise the answer was – nothing. The young lady quickly went from young and attractive to violated with a vengeance. She spoke perfect English and proceeded to spew a litany of profanity that would have embarrassed the most seasoned of sailors. This did not go unnoticed and the security guards soon arrived and escorted Bob away from the pool and much to our pleasure to the airport where he was deported.
Finally, with two full days remaining or our vacation, my wife and I were able to enjoy the quite of the day, a moon light walk on the beach, and simply being together away from Bob. We never really felt sorry for Bob being deported, just sorry that it didn’t happen sooner.
Tell the next time,
Johnny B. Strange
