Couple of Two Years Makes Break up Official via Facebook

“All these skanky girls were writing on his wall,” said Margaret Benson in reference to a communal portion of her once boyfriend’s facebook profile. A“wall,” as d-bags and fluffers all over the globe are calling it, is a social networking forum board for posting lame inside jokes and territorial textual advances, and it’s at the heart of Benson and her boyfriend’s recent “parting-of-ways.”

Our research shows that this ‘writing-on-the-wall’ phenomenon is responsible for approximately 85.7% of all breakups for a wide range of age groups, from the adolescent demographic all the way to the creepy/old-as-balls category. So, really, no one is safe.

Benson’s fiasco is not new to the facebook community. Her “friends” were first given the opportunity to watch the evolution of breakups in real time several years ago when Mark Zuckerberg gave birth to the heaping pile of uterine lining known first as “The Facebook,” and now simply as “facebook.”

Users know that facebook relationship status updates are now an integral part of the courtship process and that, more importantly, they are more binding than a New Jersey handshake. Basically it’s a very accessible, public contractual agreement not to fuck other people, unless of course, you enjoy getting caught. For a guy it’s as good as saying, “I can’t afford a ring right now, but I’d like for you to put my balls in that vice over there.”

On the flipside, in terms of facebook relationship breakups, it’s actually quite formulaic, as well. Everyone knows its significance and how to read between the lines. First comes the status swap; it always goes from ‘In a Relationship with XYZ’ to ‘Single.’ It’s important to note that it’s never just a mere removal of the relationship status altogether … It’s always accompanied by an empowering change to ‘Single,’ a bold cry which translates to: “I’m single now, and I like your pants, wanna fuck!?”

It’s obvious to most what happens from here, pictures get de-tagged, entire albums are often erased, some mother fuckers even change their names and shit, like their middle names become their fb last names and what not, sometimes it gets that fucking wild!

In an effort to close this journalistic tangential circle: Margaret Benson is a fucking moron. Her boyfriend wasn’t even fucking any of the skanky raccoon-eyed girls that were writing on his wall and, even if he was, all those ladies had already blocked Ms. Benson back in October. Benson’s daily facebook statuses usually have something to do with how incredibly happy and free she is, but then late at night there are often obscure quotes about letting birds go to see if they might fly back.

Did I mention that Margaret is a fucking moron?