Your Ex-Girlfriend's New Boyfriend is Better Than You

For some time, you have suspected your ex-girlfriend Kelly’s new boyfriend Jake has you beat in some areas.  This is incorrect.  Jake has you beat in all areas.

Jake is better than you.

Jake has a better job.  He is a physician.  He makes sick children feel better.  He is fulfilled by his work and he is respected by his fellow man.  He earns a solid income too.  He deserves it.

You?  You’re temping.  You’re 35 years old.  Why are you still temping?  Don’t answer.  I can answer it for you.  You’re a failure at everything you’ve ever attempted.  That’s why.  Remember when you thought of applying to law school?  Don’t.  You’ll never get in.  Speaking of which...

Jake has a better education.  He’s a doctor after all.  He put himself through college at Northwestern and medical school at the University of Chicago.  Even you are impressed.  You should be.

Let’s look at your educational background.  Your parents spent their hard-earned money to send you to Eastern Illinois.  Christ.  Eastern Illinois.  And it still took you six years to graduate.  Where has that diploma gotten you?  Oh, right.  The temp job.  Good luck with that.

Jake owns his home.  It’s in a good neighborhood.  It’s nice.  It’s clean.  It has matching furniture and it has air conditioning.  He parks his car in his garage.  He has a car.

You live in a dismal apartment.  Turn around.  Turn around right now.  See that mail piled up by the door?  See those clothes the floor?  See that week’s worth of dishes rotting in the sink?  It makes you look like a slob.  You’re a disgrace.  Clean something.

By now you have discovered Jake’s Facebook profile, his personal website, and his blog.  (You've discovered these things because you're a creepy cyberstalker.)  You’ve looked at his pictures and you’ve determined that, if nothing else, you are better looking than him. 

Wrong again.

Take another look at Jake’s photos.  His face is symmetrical.  His eyes are bright and speak to his curiosity and intelligence.  He has what’s known as a winning smile.  (Jake is a winner.  You are not.)  Jake’s skin is clear and supple.  He protects it every day with a lotion that contains SPF.  It keeps him looking young.  His hair is lush and touchable.  He has hair.

You are disgusting.  Your eyes are dull and mildly crossed.  You breathe through your mouth.  Close your mouth.  You have something going on with your skin.  What’s left of your hair is patchy and poorly-groomed.  Why haven’t you noticed that people cringe when you smile?  It’s your teeth.  Do something about them.

Jake can speak at length on myriad topics.  You would have ended the previous sentence with, “a myriad of topics.”  People with cultivated minds like Jake’s would have taken note of your lazy usage and pitied your intellect. 

From standing outside your ex-girlfriend’s window night after night, even you will admit that Jake is a better lover than you.  For once you are right, but you can never appreciate how much better he is than you.  His erections are meaty and firm.  He triples your stamina on your best night.  Kelly’s frequent appeals to the Lord while in Jake’s embrace tell you all you need to know.  Jake is a sex machine. 

You are a sexual travesty.  Your ejaculations are immediate and inconsequential.  Your apologetic attempts at cunnlingus do not stem the tide of embarrassment your lovers feel for you.  Take up masturbation.  You will not have many more chances with a human woman.

No more.  You are defeated.  Step aside and allow Jake to give Kelly the happiness and satisfaction you could never offer her. 

You’re awful.