Asian Babies Are The Cutest Babies Ever

As the responsibilities of a new house and the stress of staying employed mount, there is one thought that skitters through my mind every day: "Holy shit, I am definitely not ready to have kids." But it's not the ONLY thought that goes through my mind daily, of course. I also think such things as, "Thank God I'm not pregnant," and "Oh my God, if I'm freaking out about gaining five pounds over some holiday turkey and shopao (Filipino dumplings), I will probably kill someone when a bun shows up in MY oven," or "Fuck, I left the dogs outside for five hours! Thank God I'm not a mother of actual humans," or "Thank God Matt is going to be a better parent than I can ever be." My white boyfriend has three nephews and two nieces, and he's so effing great with them, it's sickening.

So as you may or may not be able to tell, this gal ain't ready to be a baby mama to anyone or anything anytime soon. It IS in the cards, though! Just not now. I shudder when I think of my maternal grandparents raising a whopping ten kids (freaking 10 KIDS) in a shack (my mom's terminology, not mine) in Manila. My paternal grandparents had it a little easier though: they only had eight children. Slackers.

Yup, this Flippo chick is avoiding motherhood and doing the career thing for at least the next five years. Witnessing how stupid and messy and cocky and douche-y kids can be etches my determination ass-deep in stone. It brands my willpower on the proverbial cattle butt. The fat lady has sung. The clown is down.

However, nothing gets me to falter in my anti-motherhood campaign faster than the sight of a big-eyed, big-headed Asian baby. Those Asian babies are the cutest fucking things ever. I mean, have you seen them? They permeate the world wide web with their singing, their big mouths and their loud-ass warbled language.

Check out this little girl singing this random, foreign song:

I don't even know what the fuck she's singing about! It doesn't matter. She's just so painfully adorable. I want to put her cheeks in my mouth. And check out those eyes! They are engulfing my face whole! I was going to timestamp some notable highlights of this video, but as YouTube user, natashkolino, commented, "lol i couldnt pick a moment when she wasnt cute :)" Right on, natashkolino.

This next video made a decent splash in the fleeting arena of YouTube fame, so you may have already seen this one:

It's a little Asian boy! And he's singing "Hey Jude"! With a GUITAR, no less! In his diapers!! Jesus Christ, look at his soot-black hair all crazy and spikey. And the bobbing. And the "unnh, unnh" sound he makes to keep time. And the bow at the end?? Fuck, just KILL ME with this onslaught of cuteness, why don't you, little Korean boy?

Even OTHER ASIAN babies think that Asian babies are the cutest fucking things ever. Check out this big sister freak out when her dad teasingly asks if they should give her baby brother away:

Therein lies an intricate web cuteness that, if not real, could only be crafted by the likes of Steven Spielberg. Let's start with the girl. Big saucer eyes - check. Bangs across the forehead - double check. Honey-laden voice - triple check. We've got looks down, and we haven't even gotten to her actions that make her a gem. At the start of the video, her cheek rests lovingly against her bundled baby bro's big, shiny Asian head. Then check out her face at 0:05 when her dad asks about giving her brother away. She's like, "Aroo?" And then watch her face at 0:09. You can't miss it. Then the climax of this nugget grabs you by the balls at 0:16. She freaks out and cries and jumps up and down! Now normally, when kids do this, I usually want to knock them over with a roundhouse kick to the mouth. But this shrieking Asian angel has me wrapped around her chubby little fingers. 

After her dad reassures her that her insistence has changed his mind, and cute little baby brother isn't going anywhere, Asian Angel comes full circle and rests her fat rosy cheek against the baby's fat head.

Okay, now let's analyze the baby boy if you haven't already noticed that his face is socking you in the nads with his cuteness. His face is hilariously distorted, following the unwritten rule that all newborn babies possess a pissed-off, Popeye snarl. Under normal circumstances, that induces a cringe and an echo of sorrow and anger in my soul.

However, in this context, the cute factory is churning out some serious overstock. Then, here is the magic in the video: his mouth gapes open in a simultaneous freak-out with his sister! Look at that mouth! That mouth is bigger than a whore's vagina! And the cheeks! Holy shit, those cheeks are out of control. Also, take a gander at his one-eyed snarl at his sister at 0:22 after he calms down. You can almost hear him squeak, "Sis, what the EFF??" But then that snarl quickly transitions into a freakishly cute yawn and then promptly simmers back down to a calm demeanor when his sister's cheek finds its way back on his bobble head.

I'm telling you, Asian babies are the only thing that will even get me to consider popping out a litter before my five-year plan. It's a good thing I'm going to be hanging out with some friends who are parents of adolescent/prepubescent age over Christmas so I can be reminded to whoa up and keep my Asian uterus under lock and key.