An Open Letter to the Eastern European Members of the Lifetime Fitness in Skokie, Illinois

Hi,

You probably don’t know who I am, but I am your average gym member. I’m not a workout addict by any means. I don’t grunt when I bench press, I don’t blast my lats, and all of my shirts have their sleeves. However, I am no novice either. I know how to use all the equipment, and I am pretty efficient in my workout. I go to the gym with a plan, rather than wonder around aimlessly and hope that I achieve physical fitness through osmosis. Basically, I look like I belong.     

You, on the other hand, are very easy to pick out of the mass of endorphin junkies. You are the only guys that insist on wearing jeans during your workout. That can’t be comfortable. Also, I heard that the smell of swamp ass is hard to get out of denim. I don’t know that for a fact, it’s just what I heard. Sometimes you wear a nice t-shirt that you got for signing up for a credit card, other times it is a legitimate tank top.(Both good looks with jeans, by the way). The tank top is especially nice, since it allows you to proudly display your thick coat of shoulder and upper-arm hair. I love how it glistens when you use the elliptical. If you haven’t had a chance to wash, er, find either of those options, you’ll risk it and wear one of your "going out" shirts, typically a Stone Cold Steve Austin or Criss Angel. It’s a bold move, since you’ll have a hard time fitting in a workout while being harassed by women eager to give out their phone numbers.    

Aside from your choice in workout gear, you are also easy to spot because you are the only guys who use this machine. I think those machines are designed to work a woman’s kegel muscles, but I may be mistaken. At any rate, no man should be seen on this thing. You’d be better off being caught crying during "Hope Floats."

I am equally fascinated by your choice for a workout refreshment. I see you pounding away on the treadmill, and to quench your thirst you reach not for Gatorade or Propel, nor even basic tap water. Instead, you go with a nice 16 ounce bottle of Mountain Dew. Mmmm, I bet that tastes good. The caffeine will definitely help you finish the last leg of your grueling mile and a half run, and the 14 teaspoons of sugar will give you a boost for the rest of the day. 

Our wonderful encounters continue into the locker room, where inevitably your locker will be right next to mine. It could be 11 at night, and we are the only guys in the gym, and I will still have to wait for you to put your jeans on after you shower. Yes, the same jeans that you just wore while using the stair climber.

Before we hose down, though, we will grab our towels and head for a quick schvitz. I know you are concerned about athlete’s foot, I am too. However, a basic pair of flip-flops should be sufficient - you don’t need to wear shoes and socks. 

I can deal with all the aforementioned nuances that you bring to the gym, but I have a couple peeves that I would like to mention. First, please wipe down your machines. Lifetime does a good job of keeping multiple dispensers within a convenient distance, so it is very easy to grab one (or two or three) and give the pleather a nice once over. This is especially important when it is tank top day, and the machine is littered your straggly shoulder hair, matted down by your own sweat. Do me a solid and take care of that, ok?

Second, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t leave wet towels, plastic swimsuit bags, Doritos, etc. in the showers. A basic rule of thumb is, "Take it into the shower, take it out of the shower." I don’t need moldy linen soaked with traces of cholera at my feet.

That’s all I ask. Nothing too demanding. If you can take care of those two requests, we can coexist peacefully.

...and no, I will not give you a spot. Sorry.