What's Eating Drew Peterson?
You know what, something’s been bothering me. And I’ve just been itchin’ to let someone know, so let me get this off my chest: What the heck is going on with the new Facebook design?! I mean seriously guys, let’s go back to what we had before. Why fix it if it ain’t broke? And I think that a few Facebook group members (like a few thousand!) would agree with me on this one. Bring back the old Facebook!
But that’s not all. There’s been something else just eatin’ away at me. The high cost of gas! Crude oil, indeed! I’m tellin’ ya, it ain’t expensive to buy a large blue barrel, so why the heck’s it costin’ so much to fill that blue barrel with simple gasoline? I’ve filled large 24 gallon barrels with far more valuable items for a much cheaper cost. Let’s get it together, Middle East!
And let’s talk about ridiculous laws restricting me from following my passions. I’m sorry, but if something’s really naggin’ me, really gettin’ on my nerves, constantly tellin’ me to be a better father, to do the dishes more, to stop talkin’ to other women … I’m just going to go ahead and get rid of it. So I say, let’s kill all these ridiculous daytime talk shows! What’s the deal, Tyra? And Maury, your hard hittin’ exposes on DNA paternity tests just make me want to hit ya! And if you ask my former wives, you can just know that I would hit the heck out of ya! (Just kiddin’; God rest their souls.)
And you know what else is just getting’ my blood boilin’ that I need to tell someone else about? I’ve been workin’ hard to hide this lie for almost a year now. Why the heck can’t I just go ahead and light up in bars anymore!? Mayor Daley, who the heck do ya think ya are, tellin’ old Drew what not to burn and watch vaporize into something that’s completely untraceable and leaves no evidence behind? Heck, it ain’t hurtin’ no one but the Camel Turkish Gold anyway. And believe me, I don’t think there was anyone else that really cared about that Turkish Gold or its whereabouts anyway until the media came in and got all nosy about it!
Speakin’ of things I’d like to shoot with my large collection of sawed off shotguns while no one is lookin’, iPhones! I get it! You’re important. You can read The Red Eye by pinching your fingers together and expanding the screen. Wow. I’m so impressed that I want to wrap my large, police-trained hands right around that touch screen and just squeeze so, so hard that I’ll never hear that ridiculous Marimba ringtone ever again.
And what about this Sarah Palin character? The idea of a strong, independent woman capable of semi-intelligent speech really gets my goat. My blood just boils every time she even brings up her time as the mayor of Whatsinameilla. Women are like dog whistles: Useful when you need em, but should never be heard. I like my woman like I like my runty, useless kittens: quiet, and easily drownable.
And finally, on a more serious note, it’s really been bothering me a lot that my loving, beautiful, nearly half-my-age soulmate Stacey went missing last year. Please, please, please, if you see her, tell her that we miss her dearly and would give anything to see her again. Unless of course you see her in Lake Michigan. That would just break my heart, and it’d be better for me if you just keep that one to yourself. Better for you to keep that one quiet, too.
