U.S. Sweeps Great Satan Awards
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Today, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced the United States is the winner ofthe 2009 Great Satan Award. This is the 30th consecutive year America has taken home the coveted “Satie.”
Accompanying the award, the Ayatollah also released his now-famous “Top Ten Reasons The United States Is The Great Satan.” The new list, updated yearly, explains why he chose to honor America once again. The list features some familiar faces, along with a few surprises thrown in for good measure.
“We all know the United States is the Great Satan -- that’s a given,” the Ayatollah said at the awards ceremony held before the Council of Guardians. “But what makes a satan great? That’s why we’re here.”
At first, the Supreme Leader went with the standards.
“Their CIA has interfered in our elections for more than 50 years, and 2009 is no different,” Khamenei said, pounding the lectern. “Now, the U.S. is mustering an international coalition to impede our nuclear development programs.”
The Ayatollah’s voice began to rise.
“And have you seen that hot dog eating contest at Coney Island? Talk about barfy. No question, that thing is #1.
“Again.”
This is the seventh year in a row Competitive Eating has topped the list. Top-ten finishers from last year’s list that failed to make the cut this year include Crocs, George W. Bush, and the Twilight series of books.
New to the list was one American trend that clearly incurred the Ayatollah’s wrath.
“You know how when American guys see each other, they bump their fists like this?” Khamenei asked, demonstrating the gesture by bumping his own two fists together. “I think that’s pretty cool actually. But then they ruin it with that explosion thing.”
He then made the explosion noise with his mouth and flitted his fingers in the air.
“Ugh, that’s so gay. Definitely Great Satan material."
The Ayatollah admitted America’s reaction to Michael Jackson’s death was a late entry on this year’s list.
“I had Heelys at #10. Weird shoes, those Heelys. Is it is a rollerskate or is it a shoe?” Khamenei wondered. “Anyway. When Michael Jackson died, the American people just went koo-koo nutballs. That’s all it took. Heelys was out and Jacko was in.”
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said that America does not make a special effort to win the Great Satan Award.
“It’s an honor just to be nominated for a Satie,” Gibbs said. “But to win again? Wow.”
The U.S. did not send a delegation to the awards ceremony, which would have included dinner, a devil statuette, and a public hanging.
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The Ayatollah's Top Ten Reasons The United States Is The Great Satan:
10. U.S. reaction to Michael Jackson’s death
9. The expression, “I know, right?”
8. White Castle commercials
7. U.S. interference in Iranian elections
6. Bud Light Lime
5. Cincinnati Bengal Chad Ochocinco (formerly Chad Johnson)
4. U.S. opposition to Iranian nuclear development
3. Exploding fist bumps
2. (tie) Ongoing U.S. support for Israel // Hollister t-shirts
1. Competitive Eating
