Republican Party Admits John McClane was their Intended Candidate for President. Spellcheck Blamed.

In a press conference held early today, heads of the Republican Party announced that their intended candidate for president was New York City police officer John McClane and NOT Republican Renegade, John McCain.

“John McCain is an excellent example of an American Hero. But he never walked barefoot on broken glass,” said current Vice-President and Republican Senate Leader Dick Cheney.

Party Chairman Mike Duncan addressed the press this morning, informing the world that “an intern and Spellcheck are at blame for the mix-up.”

Scott Jarvis, the intern in question who wished to remain anonymous, told us that he was asked to write his party’s speech for the national convention. If not for a clerical error on his part, the speech would have named McClane as the party’s frontrunner. “It was the morning of the convention. I was on my fifth Red Bull and I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention when I started hitting the correct all button.”

“I was shocked,” former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani said. “When I announced John McCain at our National Convention, and saw you-know-who approaching the podium. In my head I was like, ‘That isn’t the bald guy who inspired me to run for mayor of New York City.’”

Duncan ended this morning’s speech by saying, “Don’t get us wrong, McCain is a great guy, a true American patriot. But you have to understand the position it put us in when we realized the guy going toe-to-toe with Obama, was not the same guy who once neutralized a terrorist helicopter with a car because he was ‘out of bullets.’”

Detective John McClane was briefly reached for comment by telephone. We asked him how he felt about losing the Republican Party’s nomination because of a clerical error. He said, “Now I know what a TV dinner feels like,” and promptly hung up on us.

However, we were able to obtain an interview with Senator John McCain in which he thanked the nation for their partial support. He then had his assistant hold up forty-six percent of an American flag, “Which coincidentally,” he said as he stood up in front of it, “is the percentage of this flag that’s red.” He then walked out of the room in a manner that could only be described as triumphantly.

On Tuesday, November fourth, these United States made history by electing Barack Obama to the office of president.

But what if Scott Jarvis never made that clerical error and making history was put on hold for eight more years? John McClane has proven time and again that he will go to any lengths to do what needs to be done for this great country.

There are rumors, and hopefully they ring true, that McClane will be asked to be Obama’s Secretary of Homeland Security. Because, as what’s left of the Gruber family can tell you, there isn’t a man out there that could keep this country more secure.

Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers!