Mall Fights Back Against Toddlers
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Accidents caused by unrestrained toddlers are rising at an alarming rate, according to Chicago Parents magazine. Woodfield Mall is becoming proactive and mandating that all children under the age of seven wear a toddler restraint system.
Steve Fuller who has been chief of security for 15 years at Woodfield Mall fought for the new equipment.
“For fifteen years I’ve dealt with teenagers verbally mocking me, violent senior citizen mall walkers, and rowdy Tiffany fans, but nothing is worse than the new generation of toddlers,” said Fuller. He explained that the equipment could be compared to a shock collar for dogs, but the restraints will be wrapped around the arm or leg instead of the neck, which is clearly much more humane. “If a toddler is getting out of control there will be a warning tone allowing them time to settle down and get back with their guardian. If they don’t, then the toddler will be in for a ten second shock that will make all their baby teeth fall out,” Fuller explained.
A loyal Woodfield couple applauds the new law. In 2007 Jan and Stan Berenstain ended up in the Woodfield Mall emergency health center on three different occasions.
“We’ve had our coffee dumped on us and sustained third degree burns; we’ve received concussions from being tripped into popcorn vendors; and we’ve had Slurpies thrown into our face,” said Stan Berenstain.
“Why toddlers are allowed to have Slurpies is beyond me. Where the hell are the parents of these kids?” asked Jan Berenstain.
The worst local case of toddler lunacy happened in 2006 at Orland Square mall. An out-of-control five-year-old tripped getting on the escalator and knocked over 76 people, which resulted in a human avalanche. That incident sent twenty-eight shoppers to local hospitals.
Some irresponsible parents are saying it’s a violation of their child’s freedom. “What’s next, requiring us to pick up after our dogs?” cried Gretchen Wieners of Northbrook.
Jake Wyler, a 35-year-old Antioch resident, formerly used his 4-year-old niece as a chick magnet. Now he claims the law is ruining his social life. “My niece got out of my sight a few times and got shocked really bad, now she refuses to go the mall with me,” said Wyler. “I have no way to meet girls since legally I can’t get closer than five hundred feet to any high school.”
Local ACLU representative Colleen K. Connell is demanding the mall to drop the law and wants the village to step in. Schaumburg’s Village President Al Larson was asked about the situation. “The children are our biggest concern,” said Larson. Perplexed reporters asked Larson to elaborate, he responded by saying he had to attend a happy hour event at Rock Bottom Brewery and had no further comments.
Woodfield Mall authorities realize that some patrons will not be aware of the law and have set up booths at main entrances for parents to rent the equipment.
