Disneyland Can No Longer Afford to be Happiest Place on Earth
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The continuing economic downturn has claimed yet another victim: happiness. Disneyland today announced that last month’s layoffs were merely the first casualty of a complete overhaul for the California-based theme park. “Right now, it’s more financially prudent to conserve our remaining happiness rations,” said Disney CEO Robert Iger today. “In this economic climate, we simply can’t afford to be happy anymore.”
At a rather somber press conference conducted Wednesday afternoon, Iger explained that the cost of importing happiness from foreign nations has simply become too expensive. “Mirth-making long ago ceased to be an American industry,” said Iger. “Now, our economy is so bad we’re not even able to purchase the cheaper, Chinese imitation that used to pass for joy.”
“It’s a sad state of affairs,” said Iger, “but were I Japanese, I think I could manage a hearty yet honorable chuckle if I could scrounge up the yen.”
Because his company no longer has the luxury of being the “happiest place on earth,” Iger has decided to take Disneyland in a different direction. “Who says a park has to be a happy place to be successful? Not this guy,” said Iger. “We finally get it. Right now, Americans want a recreational park without all the thrills and excitement of traditional attractions. They’re seeking a place that exudes that inescapable sense of gloom they’re feeling and serves overpriced cotton candy.”
As part of this revamped Disneyland (tentatively called Dismal Land), Iger also plans to institute penalties against happy behavior that was “tolerated under the old regime.” He has outlawed “scandalous, unpatriotic” acts such as hand-holding, skipping, smiling and any public displays of affection. “These sorts of anti-American activities are more appropriate in a prosperous society, or, let’s say, a Chinese sweatshop,” said Iger. “You know, somewhere happy.”
Iger hopes his retooled Disney park will be somewhere that the downtrodden feel comfortable. “This will be a place where you can relax without being reminded about happier times or overwhelmed by excitement,” said Iger. To that end, he has proposed alterations to some of the traditional Disney characters.
“We have retrieved from storage the older, more reserved mascot heads that were used during the World War II,” said Iger. “The dog formerly known as Goofy is now Surly, an animal just trying to get back on all four of his feet. He’s temperamental, has rabies and every week one lucky kid will earn the opportunity to put him down in a special ceremony.” Iger believes this is a dog that Americans can relate to, rather than that “arrogant pooch who smiled from ear-to-ear like a former AIG executive.”
Iger admits this new breed of Disneyland isn’t for everyone. “It’s not intended for romantics,” said Iger. “If you can afford to be happy at a time like this, stay the hell away from my gates. This is a park to bring an escort, your mistress or out-of-town relatives for which you don’t really care.”
Toward the end of the press conference, Iger became slightly sentimental about the whimsy and charm of what was once a whimsical kingdom. “Would I welcome being the happiest place on earth again? Of course I would,” said Iger. “I’m certainly unhappy with its current condition...and not just because I am contractually obligated to feel that way.”
