Day-long Standoff Outside of a Costa Rican Jungle finally ends, SWAT team Euthanizes Janice Dickinson

“I’m not an emaciated albino ape, get me out of here,” said Janice Dickinson from a makeshift cage of bamboo vines, sticks, and Sanjaya’s pubic hair. Dickinson, known best for being somewhat famous for no apparent reason, scares the shit out of little kids all over the country with a mere fast-twitch movement and a wink of her glass eye. According to an intern who watches TV sometimes, Dickinson has been on a few shows about modeling and is most well-known for her raw, hard-hitting critiques of wannabe models that no one cares about. Dickinson reportedly ‘lost her cool’ Wednesday afternoon on the set of NBC’s “I’m a Celebrity … Get me Out of Here!” and was then, mid wig out, tragically mistaken for one of Costa Rica’s most deadly creatures, the endangered Albino Ape.

The visual similarities and general demeanor between Dickinson and Costa Rica’s “White Devil” were striking enough for local authorities to deploy a SWAT team onto the scene. The SWAT team tried to tame Dickinson to the best of their abilities; sadly, all efforts were to no avail. After about 22 hours of authorities trying to wrangle and subdue a frantic Dickinson, and despite fellow cast members’ desperate attempts to communicate in Spanish that Dickson was not a dangerous, flesh-eating member of the primate family, Dickinson was eventually shot repeatedly with sedative-soaked tranquilizing darts.

Dickinson’s caged, sedated body almost instantly melted into a puddle of wax and eyeliner. She is survived by those talking mannequins from that 80s movie about talking mannequins. An NBC press release which hit the wire earlier today announced that Dickinson will be replaced by Fergie, the star of the hit 2001 adaptation of Planet of the Apes. Hopefully lightning will strike twice.