Dear Annoying CTA Passengers

Dear Mr. I Don’t Have To Move Out of the Way for Anyone,
It is my understanding that you’re a big fucking deal. Always have been, always will be. I get it. But, dude, you have to work with us here. MOVE OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY! Next time you see 20 people try to get on a train during rush hour do us all a favor and pull your head out of your ass for one second to, idk, go to hell.

Dear Miss Fat Ass That Always Insists on Sitting Next to Me,
It’s not that I’m knocking you because of your size; I’m a big girl, too. But you know good and damn well that both of our big asses are not going to fit in that seat. The two of us just sit there looking like big, but sexy mind you, Siamese twins. Get your belly off of my leg and go sit with one of those skinny bitches!

Dear Mr. Sweats Too Much to be Within Five Feet of Another Living Thing,
You, sir, are personally contributing to the high humidity in Chicago. I have a few suggestions if you are willing to listen. First, it is crucial that you only travel at night. Second, track the weather and map out the hottest days. If you can’t do either of those maybe it’s best that you invest in a plastic bubble and rain on yourself and not me.

Dear Dude That Talks Too Loud on His Cell Phone,
The only stories I want to hear from you are the ones about you banging chicks and your buddies banging chicks and you and your buddies banging the same chick… AT THE SAME TIME! I only say this because it will definitely make a good chunk of people within earshot uncomfortable and that makes me giggle. Bonus points to you if school-aged children or geriatrics are present.

Hey Blind Guy that Keeps Switching Train Cars,
Really?!? I mean, seriously?!?
Foreal?
Ugh!!!

Dear Pole Huggers That Won’t Let Anyone Else Use the Poles to Brace Themselves on a Moving Train,
I am going to keep bumping into you every time the train jerks until you figure it out. Sometimes I’m going to bump into you when the train isn’t even moving at all. Once or twice I just might punch you in the face for being such an inconsiderate prick. Prick.