CTA Riders Propose Happy Hour Trains
My 40 minute commute to work is so god-awful that I’d just as well shit myself for sheer entertainment than sit, nay, stand through this torture. I hate having to look at the same miserable faces time and time again wondering how many drinks it would take for me to hook up with them. Most of the time my answer to that question is simple… just one.
CTA officials need to implement Happy Hour Trains. Much like the city’s beloved Santa Train that rolls around every Christmas minus the children, cheer and Santa. These little nuggets of happiness would be replaced with things like booze, suggestive music and Twister. This trifecta will turn any suck fest into an affair well worth freshening up down there, ladies.
The addition of Happy Hour trains will be the best thing to happen to riders in the history of ever. I don’t want to have to flex my truth skills too much but it is a well known scientific fact that the majority of people ages 21-29 cannot stop at just one drink. Faced with the ingrained fear of missing one’s stop everyone will exit the Happy Hour Train and spill into the nearest bar. There will be so many people in the streets that you will think the Cubs finally won it all but rest assured, folks, they didn’t.
This plan calls for drinks and activities catered to what the passengers want. For instance, say you’re riding the red line straight to Wrigleyville. There will be Jager Bombs, shit beers and pusstinis to imbibe. Not to mention an insane amount of Corn Hole and monthly appearances from that douche from the YouTube videos. You know the one with the hair and the shtick. Why that guy, you ask? Simply put, there is nothing more awesome than making fun of people that live in Lincoln Park.
Black people, my people, it’s a long way to 95th and wherever the hell the green line goes. That is why we are going to set you up something serious on the Baller Express. Hennessey and Courvoisier will flow like the sweat down my mamms on a sunny Chicago afternoon. DJ Corn Row will be on the wheels of steel dropping the hottest beats and jams to get your rump shaking. Now, the exit strategy gets a little tricky because you don’t have access to nearly as many bars as the yuppies do. Luckily, there is a liquor store every 25 yards or so between the El and your place (or the domicile of your current shorty/bust-down) that spending a healthy portion of your paycheck on booze won’t be a problem. Remember that we’re trying to keep things grown and sexy here so no jeans or athletic wear, fellas, or you will not be permitted to enter the car. Of course there will be a security staff. What are you, new?
I did not forget about my illegal brethren. You work harder than any of us and you deserve to party your asses off too. No need for a DJ on this train when we can just play The Cockroach in a continuous loop. What? Is there another song that you all listen to? Didn’t think so. Now, I don’t think there should be any discussion as to which libations should be served. There’s the tequila, of course, and any beer that takes a lime. Well, except Miller Chill and Bud Lime because those two are just stupid. If you’re hungry there will be a plethora of vendors selling authentic foods and random shit that you’ll probably have no use for. Glow stick spectacles anyone?
As with every other awesome thing in the world there are a few setbacks. The most prominent being the fact that, as we all know, the CTA lacks funding for this sort of thing or anything really. Go fig. But I’ve come to the conclusion that if riders kick in few more coins on their transit passes to the tune of about $12 each trip Happy Hour Trains will be a modern day dream come true. It would totally be worth it as I’m sure we’re all going to be spending the rest of our lives here in Chicago. Just simmer on that for a spell and let lust be your conductor, not your wallet.
