Area Man Repeatedly Neglects to pick up Dog Shit while on Walks, Rats Seemingly Unresponsive

“The truth is this, I don’t even like this fucking dog,” whispered Bill Tandiori, looking cautiously over both of his shoulders. “The only time I ever walk Hanks is after a session of good sex, like ball-drippin’ good sex. And before you ask, yeah, the mutt was named after Tom Hanks … My girlfriend loved ‘The Terminal’.”

Tandiori, like many other men in the oh-fuck age bracket, was forced to buy a dog with his girlfriend in order to postpone an inevitable marriage. “I guess we got the pooch to test our care-giving abilities or some shit like that … She wanted to know if I was a patriarchal bishop or some nonsense,” said Tandiori exhaling two thick streams of cigarette smoke through his oversized nostrils. “It’s one thing to pay vet bills to have Hanks’ ears cleaned and his balls chopped off, but the bitch is crazy if she really thinks I’m going to follow him around and pick up his shit like some sort of chump … Fucking. Crazy.”

When asked if Tandiori had seen the many signs around the neighborhood which suggest that abandoned dog excrement tends to attract rats, Tandiori had this to say: “Oh believe me, I know. I’ve seen the signs. I’ll be damned if old man Crichlow wasn’t peeking through his front window just the other day, dialing up the fuzz like some sort of fucking ‘Gran Torino’ war hero, squealing like the fucking rat that he is.”

In an effort to remedy the apparent misunderstanding, our Brown Spot correspondent on the scene clarified to Tandiori that actual rats literally eat his dog’s shit, to which Tandiori replied, pointing across the street: “You’re damned right they do. Look at the shit-eating grin on old man Crichlow’s face right now ... C’mon Hanks, let’s get the fuck out of here.”