Apparently we can Get Arrested now for Being Devilishly Handsome and a Real Charmer in the Sack

Here I am, minding my own business cards (for my new gig with HBO’s Cathouse) and the cops (which I pretty much am, by the way) have the gumption to interrupt? I’m a busy man, a lot going on with ole Drew, and you fellas think you can just whisk me away for no real reason? I’ve got a lot on my dance card, boys, and doing time for a “crime I committed in 2004” sure as my ex-wife’s charm bracelet ain’t one of em.

Now when you folks decided to haphazardly cart me off in the middle of my regular Joe workaday afternoon after pulling me over at a regular Joe traffic stop, I had a couple of heaping helpings on my plate. When I said that I’d wished I’d had returned those library books, it certainly wasn’t in jest. In fact I was in a hurry heading to the Fountaindale Library to return my copy of Twilight (the popular vampire series) and was trying to be timely enough to get home for FOX’s syndicated showing of Everybody Loves Raymond. Now, is that really a crime? If so, arrest me again right now!

Now fellas, I’m a busy man. I’m devilishly handsome, own a cunning wit and am a real beast in the sack. I’m busy working on my fifth wife (sixth fiancé, whoops!), my sequel to my guide to dating, and learning Mandarin. I’m about to fax over my offer letter for a sweet gig with HBO’s Cathouse at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch and am fastly approaching Red Lobster Shrimp Fest. Now, unless since I’ve retired you’ve got cheddar bay biscuits on the slammer menu, I think I’ll have to pass on this whole charade. I’ve got a lot in the ole Outlook calendar, and I can tell ya one thing for sure: Being brought into custody sure ain’t one of em. So I don’t know why you think you can just Tennessee Waltz right in here and accuse me of doing something that happened so many years ago that I don’t even remember the details. And why are we playing “He said, she said” when one of those parties is dead? Let’s move on! You got ole Drew’s word, and that’s the only word you’re ever really gonna get out of these broads. You know what they say, the past is done and the future is our present, or some other bullshit. Let’s all get together and enjoy the present of the future instead of sitting here dwelling in the past. I swear, let’s leave 1985 and just get ourselves Back to the Future!

…I see that you fellas ain’t budging just yet. But I’ve got a solid alibi somewhere very heavily documented to the point of absurdity, and I’ll certainly be able to produce that shortly. In the meantime let’s hit up a quick bar; we should be able to catch the second episode of Raymond, and Lord knows I just love me those comedic sitcoms about lovable families. The laughable hilarity and genuine fights between those two kids are so believable. I just relate so dang much.