Afghanistan To Receive Different Kind of Stimulus
in
Days after signing the controversial $787 billion stimulus package into law, President Barack Obama announced his administration’s first major foreign relations policy regarding the conflict in Afghanistan. Presenting to the press in Washington, Obama made a few opening remarks while Secret Service agents helped erect a large, faded, and slightly tattered map of the Afghani region.
“Many of you here might recognize this map. It’s the same map President George W. Bush consulted shortly after the 9/11 attacks. Before him, Soviet Union leaders used this map throughout the 1980s to conduct their military strategies against Afghanistan. Decades earlier, the British utilized this map prior to granting Afghani independence in 1919. Ladies and Gentlemen, this particular map goes all the way back to the 12th century, to the time of Ghengis Khan’s unsuccessful conquest of Afghanistan. There’s a lot of history in this map. A lot history of failed invasions, of failed wars.” Suddenly giddy, Obama smiled big. “But all that’s about to change.”
An agent quickly revealed a new map – crudely drawn in crayon – that, after brief inspection, seemed to depict Afghanistan as a cherry pie.
“I had Joey B draw this one up for me,” said Obama. “He loves to color. Plus he’s bored, you know. But this new map does more than demonstrate the Vice President’s remarkable ability to stay inside the lines. It also illustrates our new strategy in Afghanistan.”
The president then produced a special fork from his coat pocket, extended it, and used it to indicate various cherries across the map.
“Imagine Afghanistan like a big cherry pie. Every cherry represents a terrorist cell. The most effective and most humane way to get rid of all the cherries is to eat the pie,” Obama said. “But one man can’t eat a whole pie, he’ll just get sick and he might end up ‘releasing’ some of those cherries onto the kitchen floor … of the world. So, what do you do? You get more people to help eat it. Like around 17,000. And that’s what we’re doing with Afghanistan. We’re deploying more men to help eat the pie. It’s all about eliminating terrorist cherries. We need to turn the desert into the dessert.”
He shortened the pointer-fork and motioned to the agents, who handed Obama and members of the press slices of cherry pie. The President, speaking with his mouth full, commented on the occasion. “Mmmmm, see? Tastes like victory! Yes we Afghani-can!”
After clearing his throat, Obama added, “And, just so you know, this pie was included in the stimulus bill.”
