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I don’t think that I am alone in that I feel things from your past should stay in your past and not fuck up your present. I learned that from a fortune cookie. But then Henry Louis Gates had to go and get arrested for being black and break into his own home. What a fucking asshole.  

After the infamous “Beer Summit” between Gates, President Obama, and Cambridge police officer James Crowley, the nation and my nosy-ass girlfriend decided that sharing a brew is the best way to resolve a conflict.  

By the time Randy Parker was done counting backwards from 100 – and well before he could exclaim: “Ready or not, here I come!” – he had already asked a nearby group of older campers if they wanted to go for a bike ride. And that was right before suggesting a brief fishing trip and the possibility of having a rock-skipping contest, among other things.

Ryan Keller is 10 years old.  He attends a respected parochial school.  His parents are successful professionals with advanced degrees.  He looks as normal as you and me.

But the dumbfuck can’t even read this sentence.

The astoundingly stupid child has both his parents and teachers flummoxed.  In a recent class, the halfwit attempted to read aloud from a textbook.

“C- C- Cow?”  Ryan babbled.  “Is it cow?”

The word was “malfeasance.” 

Wow.

Hey, guys. Mare here. So I’m totes mortified that I’ve had this horrifying “Virgin Mary” nickname for like, evsies! It’s been 2,000 odd years and here I am, still rockin’ this ridiculous name.  Did you know there’s even a prayer that calls me “Mary, Ever Virgin.” Ever.  If I hadn’t already died and done the whole assumption thing, I would totally be like, dying right now. Curling up and F-ing dying.

Today, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced the United States is the winner ofthe 2009 Great Satan Award.  This is the 30th consecutive year America has taken home the coveted “Satie.” 

Accompanying the award, the Ayatollah also released his now-famous “Top Ten Reasons The United States Is The Great Satan.”  The new list, updated yearly, explains why he chose to honor America once again.  The list features some familiar faces, along with a few surprises thrown in for good measure.

That’s a nice new TV you got there. How long did you have to save up for it?  I've been saving up for a big purchase too. No, not a new TV or a new computer. I've been putting away a quarter a day for the last two years in order to host an international summit between my penis and shit ton of international whores. Why you ask? Because the Olympics are coming, you silly billy!   

EVANSTON, IL -- Local clown Rob Daugherty, aka “Giggles,” is changing the way we think about clowning.  Giggles enjoys entertaining children.  And that’s it. 

The unusual clown, who has been performing for years at birthday parties, bar mitzvahs and grammar schools, has not once been convicted or even accused of a crime.  Needless to say, area residents are mystified.

1.) Michael Jackson left behind his actual corpse to be displayed in a celebrity wax museum. America, FUCK YEAH!

2.) Lindsay Lohan was paid 70K to throw a premature birthday party for herself. America, FUCK YEAH!

3.) Michael Vick quit his job as a construction worker because “The days were too dog-gone long.” America, FUCK YEAH!

4.) Billy Bob Thorton is poor again. America, FUCK YEAH!

5.) Meg Ryan will play Michael Jackson in the upcoming movie about his life. America, FUCK YEAH!

“The truth is this, I don’t even like this fucking dog,” whispered Bill Tandiori, looking cautiously over both of his shoulders. “The only time I ever walk Hanks is after a session of good sex, like ball-drippin’ good sex. And before you ask, yeah, the mutt was named after Tom Hanks … My girlfriend loved ‘The Terminal’.”