Fay VonCootersmith

Late last week, addressing his fans and the apparent concern that he may have gone on a murdering, raping rampage at some point during his suspension, LA Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez declared that he "didn't rape nobody, and didn't kill nobody." The outfielder is closing out the final weeks of his suspension for testing positive for performance enhancing drugs, and he is reminding the public of the many things that he hasn't done.

After yet another thrilling victory by a Pittsburgh sports team, the women of the city are starting to get concerned that they may never get to fully shave off their playoff beards. With the defending Superbowl champs about to start training for yet another season with a championship-caliber roster, their concerns about never being stache-free are more valid than ever.

The Chicago White Sox are the defending AL Central Champs, are doing better than the Cleveland Indians, and due to their success, have recently surged to the fourth most popular Chicagoland baseball team.

For years the Sox have found themselves settled behind the fan-favorite Cubs. This year they’ve faced extra competition from the Schaumburg Flyers, who are featuring a William Hung “Inspiration” experience. They’ve also fallen behind the Niles North High School Fighting Vikings, a team that is featuring a “refreshing lack of goatees.”

Brett Favre, former quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, Green Bay Packers and New York Jets and current avid fan of menstruation, still has yet to decide which type of tampon he truly prefers. And, if he can’t get this figured out soon, he may throw in the rag and just quit menstruating altogether.

This week, the good people of Ohio had yet another reason to celebrate: One of their own was charged with a DUI while on his homemade lawnmower/bar stool. The 28-year-old man was driving near his home when he crashed his homemade mechanized bar stool, which could reach up to 38 mph. Granted, DUIs suck. (Or as we call them in Ohio, Deweys.) The money, the paperwork and the extra effort that goes into hiding rampant alcoholism, it’s just a bummer.

The embattled Chicago Cubs centerfielder, Alfonso Soriano, came into 2009 Spring Training completely healthy, and he hoped to escape his history of unfortunate injuries. Unfortunately, with three weeks left to go until regular season play, Soriano has announced that he will be out for as many as eight weeks with a bad case of stigmata.

Tuesday night Pub Quiz at Laddy Pong’s went massively awry as two teams took their passion for trivia into the realm of unfortunate hilarity. Somewhere between the music round of rap hits from the ‘80s and the picture round of stars from "The Hills," two teams allowed their love for facts to transform the scene into one of incredibly nerdy attempted violence.

Lincoln Park native Shelley Warren went into Thursday night at Bar Celona with the plan of having a few pitchers of sangria, sharing some laughs and maybe going home and getting a quick fingerblast. But the attractive blonde bartender behind the well vodka and the unfortunate addition of $3 SoCo shots led to a night of passionate, semi-blacked out love making that was truly nothing to write home about.

With Rod Blagojevich out of the job and not (as much) on the media prowl, it can be assumed that he has a bit of free time on his hands. So, what’s the next step on your superstar agenda as a recently laid off governor of Illinois? Well, in these hard economic times, it’s difficult to find yourself in a position that’s actually fulfilling. So here are a few suggestions for Rod:

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Completely unaware that he was intoxicated at all the previous evening, Lakeview native Andrew Lobsterbush is ecstatic that you reminded him that he was drunk last night. Lobsterbush awoke feeling refreshed and assumed that he’d participated in his normal Thursday evening Yahoo! Euchre tournament, but is happy to know now that he was stumbling around Clark Street well past 1 a.m.