Chauncy ‘Buzz’ Killington II

By the time Randy Parker was done counting backwards from 100 – and well before he could exclaim: “Ready or not, here I come!” – he had already asked a nearby group of older campers if they wanted to go for a bike ride. And that was right before suggesting a brief fishing trip and the possibility of having a rock-skipping contest, among other things.

Here are some out-of-office auto replies that I wanted to leave up this week, but simply couldn’t for fear of losing my job:

5.) I am out of the office; I like that you’re going to be inundated with this message each and every time you send me something, even if you’re just sending it to a team alias that my email address is listed on … Technology FTW!

4.) I am out of the office; in other news, why does your baby look so mad all of the time?

1.) Michael Jackson left behind his actual corpse to be displayed in a celebrity wax museum. America, FUCK YEAH!

2.) Lindsay Lohan was paid 70K to throw a premature birthday party for herself. America, FUCK YEAH!

3.) Michael Vick quit his job as a construction worker because “The days were too dog-gone long.” America, FUCK YEAH!

4.) Billy Bob Thorton is poor again. America, FUCK YEAH!

5.) Meg Ryan will play Michael Jackson in the upcoming movie about his life. America, FUCK YEAH!

This week’s edition revolves around things other people do to upset me. It really bothers me …

5.) When older family members text me and the message reads as if a Native     American has hijacked his or her phone: “Go here outside wind rain jacket bring 1.”

4.) When the workers at Starbucks have stupid looks on their faces … or when they laugh,  smile and/or breathe.

3.) When people feed the pigeons. I mean, are you fucking serious?

“The truth is this, I don’t even like this fucking dog,” whispered Bill Tandiori, looking cautiously over both of his shoulders. “The only time I ever walk Hanks is after a session of good sex, like ball-drippin’ good sex. And before you ask, yeah, the mutt was named after Tom Hanks … My girlfriend loved ‘The Terminal’.”

“Times are tough,” said Adharma “Andy” Patel in regards to the economic turmoil which now recklessly plagues the average American’s everyday existence. “Interestingly, though, people without jobs want nothing more than to be challenged.” According to Patel, the days of convenience stores will soon be something of the past.

These are things I recently discovered you should not say shortly
after sexual intercourse:

5.) “Ohhh fuck, I forgot to mow the lawn today.”

4.) “Do you remember Steve Urkel’s attractive doppelganger?”

3.) “Do you think there will be sad-faced clowns at Michael Jackson’s
funeral? If so, might one or two of them serve as pallbearers?”

2.) “Apple slices with peanut butter spread seemed delicious about 30
seconds ago, but now I feel soiled; I think I’ll take a shower in lieu
of fixing up a healthy snack.”

5.) Blago: “Should I try to sell my seat to the Cubs/Sox Cross town Classic tonight, or just Gag myself in front of my daughters again?”

4.) I wonder if Miley Cyrus is also considering naming her new speckled goldfish Miley C.

3.) How is a 12 in. sandwich that costs $7.87 a five dollar foot-long?

2.) Do birds wish they could run?

1.)  Should I put dubs on my 1994 non-functioning Jeep Cherokee just to be ironic, or would that offend the Native Americans?

“I’m not an emaciated albino ape, get me out of here,” said Janice Dickinson from a makeshift cage of bamboo vines, sticks, and Sanjaya’s pubic hair. Dickinson, known best for being somewhat famous for no apparent reason, scares the shit out of little kids all over the country with a mere fast-twitch movement and a wink of her glass eye. According to an intern who watches TV sometimes, Dickinson has been on a few shows about modeling and is most well-known for her raw, hard-hitting critiques of wannabe models that no one cares about.

Adam Smith, an undersexed Caucasian Math major at Nortwestern, never looked twice at his female Indian classmates, that is, of course, until "Slumdog Millionaire" swept the nation last winter.

“After I saw that Slumdog movie, I started having a recurring dream of creating all sorts of brilliant mathematical equations in the nude, all while in the company of several Indian girls that I have classes with … In it, we’re all running away from this gang of misfits with knives,” said Smith, looking quizzically through his rimless glasses.