Charlie Mingles

President Obama continued his cross-country campaign to raise public support for his healthcare reform plan on Thursday, stopping in the small, southern California city of El Centro for a town-hall style engagement. 

The Insuring America Pays Tour gained serious momentum last week when Obama appeared on Oprah and gave her audience “healthcare consolation prizes”, including coupons for 5%-off any Pfizer brand prescription medication, eight-ounce samples of Coppertone Sport SPF 15 sunscreen, and a carton of American Spirits cigarettes.

Days after signing the controversial $787 billion stimulus package into law, President Barack Obama announced his administration’s first major foreign relations policy regarding the conflict in Afghanistan. Presenting to the press in Washington, Obama made a few opening remarks while Secret Service agents helped erect a large, faded, and slightly tattered map of the Afghani region.

Just three days after accepting an assistant manager position at local pub The Bleeding Farthing, Candace Myers formally announced her withdrawal, citing “grave concerns” over unclaimed taxable income following a stint as a summer waitress.

Myers, 23, previously served in a variety of Chicago restaurant roles, forging amicable relationships with owners and wait staff alike. Her hiring was the first step in a planned overhaul of The Bleeding Farthing, set to begin an internal audit stemming from long-running, expensive battles with health code violations.

On just his second day as the would-be Illinois Senator, Roland Burris confounded members of the press when he arrived at a scheduled conference with a prickly pear attached to his right arm. The long-time Illinois politician, visibly distressed and uncharacteristically distracted, winced while ascending the podium and then briefly wiggled his arm in an attempt to free the desert cactus, to no avail.

Less than one month away from surrendering his vice-presidency to a new administration, Dick Cheney has been engaged in more than just a recent press tour.

According to several reports from across the US, the Vice President takes weekend excursions to major cities and moonlights as a DJ, always arriving unannounced, usurping DJs mid show, and forming his own unique blend of dance music late into the night.

At a last-minute press conference near his vacation home in Bermuda, Santa Claus confirmed suspicions of his fledgling North Pole Toy Factory and publicly stated his intent to file bankruptcy.

"This isn’t an easy thing for me to say," said a teary-eyed Claus, uncharacteristically down-trodden. "But I don’t have a choice anymore. The North Pole Toy Factory can no longer afford to build and transport presents based on the whimsy and dreams of the world’s children.”

In his first public appearance in over two decades, the ubiquitous, mysterious entity The Economy called a surprise press conference yesterday morning. He was joined at the podium by Smokey the Bear, legendary fire-prevention icon and The Economy’s long-time spokesbear.

David Blaine, the controversial “street magician,” announced plans to view non-stop footage of his past stunts, continuously, for 120 hours, culminating with twelve-hours of Blaine watching himself watch himself via a live feed. This ambitious project, tentatively called “Death Tube” pits Blaine against what most people believe to be the ultimate test of human endurance: watching David Blaine.

In a surprise move Wednesday, President-Elect Barack Obama announced the addition of NBA Hall of Famer James Worthy to his elite transition team. Although Obama’s love for basketball has been well-documented, virtually no one anticipated him to select and incorporate a retired professional basketball player into his political fold. Many criticize the choice, stating that not only does the former Los Angeles Lakers all-star have zero political experience, but he’s often a liability from the three-point line.

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani unveiled his controversial Halloween costume this week while at a fundraising event for the Republican ticket in Flint, Michigan. Dwarfed by two rectangular, floundering cardboard structures jutting out from his shoulders, Giuliani triumphantly entered the banquet hall and ceremoniously spun in a circle for the shocked crowd. Amidst a startling silence, he pointed to the towers and said, "Imagine if they'd actually been cardboard, huh? I love Halloween!"