1.) Michael Jackson left behind his actual corpse to be displayed in a celebrity wax museum. America, FUCK YEAH!

2.) Lindsay Lohan was paid 70K to throw a premature birthday party for herself. America, FUCK YEAH!

3.) Michael Vick quit his job as a construction worker because “The days were too dog-gone long.” America, FUCK YEAH!

4.) Billy Bob Thorton is poor again. America, FUCK YEAH!

5.) Meg Ryan will play Michael Jackson in the upcoming movie about his life. America, FUCK YEAH!

For some time, you have suspected your ex-girlfriend Kelly’s new boyfriend Jake has you beat in some areas.  This is incorrect.  Jake has you beat in all areas.

Jake is better than you.

Jake has a better job.  He is a physician.  He makes sick children feel better.  He is fulfilled by his work and he is respected by his fellow man.  He earns a solid income too.  He deserves it.

Well, after a many month sabbatical from my worldly travels, I am happy to report that I have just returned from a wonderful excursion to the great resort city of Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic.  This was to be a completely work free trip, just to sit back and relax with my wife, and to get away from Bob, but as with most plans, things don’t always go as planned.

This week’s edition revolves around things other people do to upset me. It really bothers me …

5.) When older family members text me and the message reads as if a Native     American has hijacked his or her phone: “Go here outside wind rain jacket bring 1.”

4.) When the workers at Starbucks have stupid looks on their faces … or when they laugh,  smile and/or breathe.

3.) When people feed the pigeons. I mean, are you fucking serious?

Celebrities from Abe Vigoda to Dakota Fanning have been put on notice. 

“It’s time to die.”

So said Death in an exclusive interview with the Brown Spot.

I sat down with Death this afternoon for drinks at Rockit.  Dressed in a black robe and carrying his trademark scythe, Death certainly stood out in the sea of suits and sundresses at the trendy River North watering hole.  I asked Him about the recent rash of celebrity deaths.

“It all started last week with Ed McMahon,” Death said.  “I was surprised by how much attention I got.”

“The truth is this, I don’t even like this fucking dog,” whispered Bill Tandiori, looking cautiously over both of his shoulders. “The only time I ever walk Hanks is after a session of good sex, like ball-drippin’ good sex. And before you ask, yeah, the mutt was named after Tom Hanks … My girlfriend loved ‘The Terminal’.”